


The little word Cas

by Nichtigkeit_4



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:54:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26866243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nichtigkeit_4/pseuds/Nichtigkeit_4
Summary: "It was a sign of affection to give another person a nickname. Just like a pet name. And that only made the feeling in his chest more comfortable every time Dean called him Cas. And then there were the times when he didn't. Every time Dean got mad, disappointed, there was no Cas. Only Castiel. And that hurt" - [Dean/Cas <- hinted /one sided?]
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 4





	The little word Cas

**Author's Note:**

> All my stories have been translated from German to English. Since English is not my native language, translation errors may occur. But I hope that they are not too serious. If you notice any, feel free to tell me.
> 
> Have fun!

Cas had to admit, he didn't understand much about being human. He didn't understand their habits or the way of dealing with each other. He did not have much empathy or knowledge of human nature and apart from that he was miserable as a human being. But there were some things Cas had learned over the years with Sam and Dean. His name, for example. He had never given much thought to what his name was. Was it beautiful? Was it modern? Was it too short? Was it too long? For thousands of years now, he bore that name with indifference. But since he was on earth he thought for the first time ever about what he could mean for others, or even for himself. And he noticed that he liked it. He liked the way people pronounced his name. The way they emphasized it, the way they abbreviated it. – Cas. – That word was the epitome of everything he was. He was Cas. It defined him, made him who he was.

The abbreviation of his name was special to Cas. No one had ever given him a nickname before. And for a long time, Cas was afraid of not being called by his real name. But at one point, he enjoyed it. He liked the sound of these three letters and at some point, deepened in a reading about customs, he understood why. It was a sign of affection to give another person a nickname. Just like a pet name. And that only made the feeling in his chest more comfortable every time Dean called him Cas. And then there were the times when he didn't. Every time Dean got mad, disappointed, there was no Cas. Only Castiel. And that hurt. It left a bitter taste and a twinge in his heart he hadn't felt in a long time.

And eventually, he started to hate it. Every time Dean screamed for him again, called him names, prayed for him all night long – for Castiel – he felt this burning feeling in his cheeks, the rustling in his ears and the shaking of his limbs. Every time he heard the so hated word Castiel, it showed him that he had done something wrong again - as so often. Something that pissed Dean off.

That name that meant so much disappointment and hurt him more than any other word in this world. And yet it was the name his father gave him, proudly announcing that he would be called Castiel from then on and forever. Did he know then that he would one day loathe it so much? And this despite the fact that he felt guilty when he dragged the name his father had chosen for him through the mud. He defiled it with deceit, disappointment, pride and all other sins known to Cas.

Castiel was the name the angels used to address him. His brothers and sisters, to whom he had done so much harm. Castiel was the angel in him. That part of him that was ruthless and selfish. Who killed innocent people and believed himself to be God. There were only a handful of angels who saw Cas in him. Balthazar, Gabriel, and Anna. And every time they said it, it felt wrong. Because it didn't feel like it was real. Because they said "Cas", but they meant Castiel. It was a thin line he walked on and he wondered when it had come to the point where these two parts of his personality slowly merged. Could Cas have been an equally bad creature? He was sure it wasn't. Because Cas was the human part of him. The one with a sense of humor, compassion, and appreciation from his friends. Who was perceived by Dean as part of his family. Who had made him that person in the first place. That Cas had created in him. And who he was so grateful to have shown him the human world in one way or another. In a lovely way, the hard way, mentally and physically. In so many ways, Cas was sure he had already seen it all. Or maybe it was Castiel who saw it all. The evil, the painful, and the sad. All the horrors of this world that Cas had always tried to hide from. Cas was sometimes this unstable personality that hated arguments, confrontations of all kinds, and stopped fighting. because violence was followed by violence. This part of him had finally understood that. And yet he had never been able to banish Castiel from him completely. Every once in a while, he'd shine through. Killing when he had to, people, angels, everything. And every time, Cas felt that the part of him that belonged to Castiel was taking a bigger and bigger piece of him, until one day he would finally devour him. Until Cas ceased to exist. Until he lost everything he held dear. Until he lost Dean, which was so incredibly predictable, it drove Cas insane. Dean would die, and it was as sure as the sunset. But what would he do then? Would Cas be able to cope with that loss? Could he still be human if he knew that the person who had given him all this in the first place no longer existed? Could he still be Cas? Maybe. Because at the same time, he wondered, how could he not? He loved being that way. So human, to feel so much. To feel so many emotions in him that sometimes he thought he'd crack. But it was a good pain that made him think again and again about how lonely and abandoned his former life was. This life at war, left alone and yet surrounded by thousands of his siblings. So without feelings. Without knowing what love was, affection. Real love. Not what he felt for his brothers and sisters. Not what he thought he felt for God. But what he felt for Dean. That deep sense of contentment, of security. And freedom. And not the freedom he had when he spread his wings and flew wherever he wanted. It was the freedom to do whatever he wanted, to feel however he wanted. He was no longer imprisoned, held back by orders that he carried out without thinking about whether it was right or not. The freedom to think for himself, to decide and to love whomever he wanted. To love Dean. And that right was reserved entirely for Cas. It was something Castiel could never have.

That's why he loved being Cas. Cas was this beautiful angel who would go through hell for his friends, for Dean. Who did everything right, watching over people, protecting them. Who was pure, innocent. But Castiel? He was the coward. The rat bastard who let everyone down. The people he loved had been betrayed and deceived and all that was good and what it stood for, what he himself stood for had been burned with his own hands. He hated being Castiel. That's why he wouldn't give up. He would do whatever it took to be Cas. Never again would he want to go back to that point, never again would he want to be Castiel the traitor.

"Hey, Cas! Are you coming?", shouted Dean, standing just a few feet away. And Cas ran. Leaving Castiel completely behind. Like a faded memory, he clung to him and finally let go. For he had decided never to be Castiel again. Not for Dean.

25.06.2016


End file.
